No, Ms. Madson, An Estimate of Your Daughter's Age Just Will Not Do!
Posted: Monday, March 02, 2009
by Myla Madson
Myla Madson.com
I believe it was me who once said, "One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is…"
Oh okay, it was really Erma Bombeck who said it but it is I who seems to live this reality nearly everyday, and for the life of me I cannot understand how I get at least one part of the question wrong every time it is asked.
Is this such a crime? It's not as though I forget to feed my kids or pick them up from soccer practice, well most of the time anyway, but am I such a horrible mother that when someone asks me if I have any children and how old they might be I often forget exactly how many years have slipped by for them all?
And when filling out forms, which any parent knows must be done about a thousand times per child per school year, am I less of a mother for not always remembering the exact year each was born and placing a rough estimate in the appropriate box?
I can barely remember, conveniently enough, when I myself was born. How is a stressed out, hard working mother of four supposed to keep such random information available at the snap of a finger?
Yes, I realize I'm probably in the minority here, at least among the women folk, but I have to confess that I have great difficulty in remembering the finer details of my children's lives.
After registering my youngest daughter for kindergarten a year before I was actually supposed to, I decided something must be done to keep important information, such as how old my kids actually are, close at hand.
I now keep a little data card in my wallet with all my children's information on it that I sneak a peak at when filling out forms at their school, doctor's office, the dentist, little league… you get the idea.
Of course my obsessive compulsive behavior, or is it my paranoia (I can't keep my mental disorders straight either), has me constantly on the lookout for those who may do my children harm. This has caused me to devise a code for the information I keep on the card should someone get unauthorized access to it.
I subtract this, add that, throw in some simple division and a square root here and there and presto, an unbreakable code which, in the right hands, unlocks the true age and birth dates of my entire clan.
I keep the key to this code in another compartment of my wallet. A couple of months ago, I started worrying that someone could possibly put two and two together and break my code if they got their hands on both documents.
So, of course, I had to develop another code to decipher the key which would then decipher the actual information on the original child data card. This has now reached four generations of keys that unlock codes which unlock keys which unlock codes and I'm starting to think that perhaps it is this sort of behavior that prohibits me from retaining vital data in a mental wallet of sorts in the first place, therefore negating the need of actual physical data cards and the security risk that goes along with such a system.
Well, one of my cards is missing and I now have no idea when my kids were born.
I know this sounds bad, but if you think about how a lot of folks have their home phone numbers on speed dial in their cell phones and therefore appear to be quite stupid when someone asks for their home number and they have difficulty recalling it, well you can see how someone could perhaps forget when their kids were born. No? Well just humor me then.
It has been proposed by my therapist that I just construct a new card and system of security for it based on the original birth certificates. Okay, don't get me started on keeping track of birth certificates and social security numbers.
They are in a safe place; I know at least that much. And somewhere there is a secret map with a secret code that will unlock the where abouts of said documents.
For now, I guess I'll just have to ask the children if they remember when they were born so I can complete my tax returns and claim them as dependents. And no, I cannot refer to last years returns because they are, well, by now I'm sure you know where this is heading.
I asked the ex and he is as clueless as I. We both, however, do remember their full names so there is that at least. I'm sure I'll end up calling my know it all sister who, with out fail, sends out a birthday card to every single person in our family tree and has a 100% accuracy record when it comes to filling out informational forms.
Crap! I just got off the phone with sis and it seems my oldest had a birthday yesterday. Yes, I'm joking of course. You think a child will not remind you about their upcoming birthday about a million times and leave clues all over the house on what to get them?
If I could just somehow get her to tell me how old she actually is I could do some subtraction and arrive at a date of birth and save a ton of embarrassment and possible jail time for myself. You know, jail time. Come on, haven't your kids ever threatened to call social services on you when you put them on restriction or didn't give them something they wanted?
For more from the mind of Myla, please visi http://www.mylamadson.com
Hi Myla.This is a hoot! I loved the whole thing. I do similar things with important information, but I can recite my home phone number from memory. Thanks for the laughs.Hugs,DianneGlad I was able to make you hoot! I do so appreciate the fact that you always make the time to comment on my articles. You always bring a smile to my lips, which is much needed in my hectic world, so thankyou for that Dianne, it means a lot to me.Take care, lolMyla
hi myla.this was such a great read, and as a mom of 3, totally understandable. the person asking for the birth year of one of my kids, while i am trying to figure out the year in my head, always looks at me like i have 2 heads for not knowing right off the bat when my child was born.and i am so tired of looking for "important papers" in places they should be, instead of where i thought they should be when i put them there!my oldest son went into the air force and gave my 18 year old his car, which was rear ended 2 weeks ago, and totaled, and my son called sunday, and has no idea where he put the title of the car! this led to a lengthy conversation with the owner of the place the car was towed, since they can't do anything until they have the title, and i had to beg to get him not to charge me 50 dollars a day until i can get to motor vehicles for a new bill of sale! thank you for sharing, it's always amusing, and easy to relate to.my best regards,sueI feal your pain Susan. I can never find any type of documents even though I disticntly remember putting them somewhere safe and to be easily accessed should I need them in the future. Now if I could just put my head somewhere easily accessible I would probably be a much happier person! Hope your son is doing okay, both of them. Thanks for reading and commenting!Myla
Myla,You had me laughing with this one which made me go check out your website. Great job. I have other problems but not phone numbers, dates, or ages. I can even tell you the birthday of my two dogs -- of course the fact that they are born on the exact same day, same year and are two entirely different breeds could mean only one thing! What puppy mill was it in PA?Thank you for a good morning wakeup read!NancyI really appreciate you taking the time to not only read the article but to check out my site as well. I'm glad you enjoyed the story and thanks for sharing your own experiences.
Myla, this was halarious...how can you forget your kids birthday? hahahahahha funny stuff here...you suffer form what I call, The Man Syndrome!! It's true, how many men do you know that remember birthdays and such? Things dates when we met, annivesaries, or anything to do with dates, yet we can tell you who won the last football game, what the score was, and who scored the winning point!! See, now that we know that is what you have....its cool. All better. Does that sound sexist? Oh darn, I reckon it does, but I didn't mean for it to...its is a man thing, and society seems to accept that, hummmm wonder why? Great article, great read, and you made me laugh AGAIN....your fan, and friend in pen....GaryMy dearest Gary. I did not forget my daughters birthday, just her birth date. I figured this would hit home wiht the guy folk out ther. I'm sure most would have toruble coming up with birth dates and social security numbers for their little ones without refering to some sort of documentation or asking their wives.As always, thank for commenting and I hope you have yourself one terrific and fun filled week!Myla
Myla, I read this article yesterday but I didn’t want to leave a comment immediately after Gary -- for some reason it’s becoming a pattern. Just want to make it clear, I am not stalking the new hot guy …!I always knew you were so messed up, but this ... this tops it… LOL. I loved it from start to end!! I was going to advice you to paint your finger nails different colours: a specific colour to represent a specific digit (works for me!) but I am pretty sure you won’t even remember which is which. Sorry Pal, you’re on your own…:-)Keep writing... this world NEEDS you, Ms. Madson!Thank you for the kind words and as always, it means so much having someone of your talent and stature comment on one of my articles. It was embarrasing to admit that I forget little things like this but I imagine I'm not the only one, and if I am, well then everyone else with such big brains can just go.....Anyway, It really is so cool having someone like you take the time to not only read my story but to leave a comment as well. You are a doll and it is you, my dear, that the world needs more of! lolMyla
When I was a single dad I could recite the SS numbers and birthdays of my kids from sheer repitition of form filling-out. But, like I once said, War is Hell. Now, since re-marrying, I have to play a little song or limerick in my head to remember.Great article, Myla. Awesome website too!! By the way, Nancy Grace should be wealthy enough to buy a life by now.Thankyou so much for your kind words. I'm sorry it took so long to write back but I was away for quite awhile due to things out of my control. I really appreciate the comments and again, I'm sorry for not telling you so sooner.
Myla, I needed something refreshing with humor to read and knew you were the answer. You didn't fail me, mah' lady! Thanks for the laughs and hoots. The 'codes' are all too familiar. Hope you and the clan are well, no matter your ages!Thankyou Avis, you are such a kind person and say some of the nicest things! I appreciate your thoughts and I apologize for not writing back sooner. Thanks again!
